Y'know that part -- at the end of a relationship -- when both parties know that it's over but it's been such a long, comfortable thing that nobody knows quite how to say the words that will actually set them both free? Usually -- although not always -- one party wants out and the other just sort of feels desperate and out of control -- the writing is on the wall but they can't bring themselves to really read the words out loud. They go through the motions for a while. Make excuses to be gone more and more. Maybe do things that will make the other person initiate the break.
It's a horrible time. If you've lived to adulthood, you've undoubtedly seen it once or twice from both sides.
It's where my trainer and I are.
And I am the one feeling desperate and out of control.
I know that she is doing what she needs to do and that she needs to take care of herself. She needs to move on. There is no place for me where she is going. I am old baggage from a past life and her only remaining tie to me is guilt. I don't want to be an obligation. I want her to succeed like crazy.
But I want to succeed like crazy, too, and I'm not completely confident that I can do it without her guidance and support.
I'm still brainstorming. What am I going to do?
I guess the easy answer is that I should just find another trainer. And eventually that is probably what I will do. But oh, I so don't want to. My relationship with this one has been so satisfying. I don't want to have to take the time to convince someone new that I am not how I appear. I think if I met with someone new and they handed me a Barbie weight, I would throw it at them. And that would not be nice or fair -- it would not be their fault for treating a frumpy middle-aged woman like a frumpy middle-aged woman. No, I am not ready to train a new trainer yet.
I toyed with the idea of becoming a trainer myself -- just to be able to take things into my own hands so that I would never have to rely on anyone else again. It's an interesting plan, and I am not ready to completely dismiss it, but it is not what I really want.
I think what I really want is a serious workout partner, but I don't see that happening. So many factors would have to line up -- it would have to be someone I liked on a personal level, it would have to be someone who lived near me and had a similar schedule and belonged to the same gym. It would have to be someone with similar goals and similar enough strength that we could confidently spot each other. It is too much to hope for -- I don't think that person is out there. If they are, they're probably not looking for a frumpy middle-aged woman.
All I know with any degree of certainty is that I don't want my flailing relationship with my trainer to signal an end to my relationship with fitness. I've come too far and worked too hard. While she is still giving me a thread to hang on to, I need to figure out my next move.
Books, classes -- whatever it will take to keep me moving in a positive direction.
I love my trainer.
But I love myself more.
I will survive this -- I just need to figure out how.