Thursday, March 12, 2009

Because It's Not ALL Optimism and Good Job...

Yeah, well, it was a good run. It took a couple few weeks before I got to this inevitable place. I know this place well. I spend a lot of time here. I'm thinking of buying a little condo here, so I'll be more comfortable when I visit.

This place is, of course, lethargy. There are plateaus on 3 sides of it - that's the route I usually take to get here, but this time I skipped them.

I couldn't tell you specifically what caused this shift in motivation. I do know that my once healthy "I need to accept myself as I am" attitude is shot. Fuck that. I hate how I am. I want to be hot and if I can't be hot, I at least want to be normal for God's sake. Why is that too much to ask? That really shouldn't be too much to ask. And I want it. And I can't have it and that sucks.

I know I'm not making sacrifices right now. I eat pizza. And wings. And cheeseburgers. I don't indulge my sweet tooth often, but I do indulge it. Sigh. I do all of those things. So that means I'm weak and uncommitted and that I don't want it bad enough, right? Well, no it damn well does not. Because I DID give up all of those things. I gave up every damn thing that made me happy for such a long time and I still couldn't reach those goals. I was still shopping in the 'big girl' department and looking like a damn cautionary tale. Put down that slice of pizza, or you might end up looking like her...

So instead of responding to my new-old dissatisfaction with myself by re-doubling my efforts at the gym and starting to pay more attention to what goes in my body, I respond instead by - by giving in to 'sad' and wanting to crawl under a blanket and avoid the world. And even as I'm doing this, I KNOW it's the wrong thing to do. And yet... and yet...

It should be ok to resign myself to 'never being hot again'. I'm 46, for Pete's sake, how hot was I gonna be anyway? I'm old and I'm a mom and I'm menopausal. The bar for hot is set pretty low when you've got all that going on. And it shouldn't even matter! What value does 'hot' have, anyway? Oh, I know - plenty. I'm just trying to use feminist arguments to make myself feel better about myself. How's that going? Pretty terribly, thanks for asking.

I'll find my way back again. I always do. I love going to the gym. I just need to untangle it from this idea of a nice body/lower weight.

And, sigh.

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