Monday, December 31, 2012


So here's the thing about a really heavy person losing weight -- not a chubby person who could stand to lose a few pounds -- a really heavy person: there are many many many little changes that take place that no one in the world would notice. A roll becomes a crease which becomes smooth -- the size -- from outside -- through clothes -- doesn't change a bit, but the body does. It is wonderful, but privately so.

I experience these private victories and revel in them -- but it does make me sad that my progress isn't evident from the outside. I remind myself constantly that I am doing this for myself and that the opinions of others shouldn't matter.

But, dammit, I want to look good to to others. 

That is vain and stupid and shallow and I need to get over it. I don't think it is going to happen. And it shouldn't matter.

Another observation: when I went home for Christmas -- 50 pounds lighter but still, admittedly, significantly overweight -- no one seemed to notice. Friends I haven't seen in months notice, but family and friends from home did not. I think -- and this is pure speculation -- that that may be because my local friends have never known me as anything other than very very fat -- so the change from very very fat to very fat was noticeable. People who have known me all my life -- who knew me in my teens and 20's when I was not even kinda fat, much less very or very very fat just didn't notice what -- in the grand scheme of things -- was a relatively small outward change.

It was a reminder that -- while I've been patting myself on the back and feeling like I'm all fierce -- I'm still a fat middle-aged woman.

But a less fat middle-aged woman than I was 9 months ago.

I'm off to the gym.

It's what I do.

I go to the gym and I eat super-low carb.

I behave like people who look a helluva a lot better than me. I look like people who behave a helluva lot worse than me. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I'll keep doing these things that are good for me because I feel better.

Today, though, I feel more lumpy than fierce.

But maybe tomorrow...

1 comment:

  1. Found you on a share from G+. As a woman who is very fat, I understand. I have been large most of my life, for a lot of reasons. But when I grew very ill one time and lost a lot of weight most people did not notice. Because they were so used to seeing me period. My clothes were smaller, but most of the world didn't notice. I am back to very fat, and hating it. The choices have to be for me and only me. I also have to be aware that the realization of the weight loss will probably be only me.